im melt

 I just remembered when standard 6, theres a prefect camp.  And as always video of a mother underwent a surgery for pregnancy. And i cried. A lot. A lot. And infront of me, they were wan hidayat,  fazlihi,  faqrul n more. N then i cnt remember whose the one that told me to stop crying. And suddenly fazlihi said... Let her.... Biar la dia nak nangis. At least dia menghargai..... Wat the fuck babe

why now?

 I dont know why did i kept on dreaming about irfan and his geng...  Omg i still cant forget everything about cheras. That dream i was alone... And theres irfan n his geng like...  Were there too. And one of his friend... I didnt know who but its quite familiar. He kept on trying to talk to me. I ran. Obviously. But he kept on waiting for me. Like this one i was in toilet but he kept on waiting. And waiting. Irfan n the geng were there watching us...?  

Just like... Ive never thought about him. But why?  All of sudden they come back and disturbs me...  Makes my heart all this strange feelings

and then this another one, i dream about them,, but i was in a embarrassing condition... like im not wearing pants.. what the hell wan... then, one of them like saw me in that state. hahahahha

so yeah... they kept on like existing everywhere i go... why?!!!!

my question is why them? why now?

the fact that im still haunted by the failure of 3 years ago

 Idk where to start but, i went somewhere place.. Well u know how i slove library.... But in this dream, i went to library just like a fantasy,... Its like the most beautiful and amazing library with big globe center and many stairs,, lots of stairs and... Bla bla bla... 

I went there with my 2 friends. But somehow, there's also a group of my ex coursemates...  From medical u.  

Damn... I tried to run away from them... Oh gosh.... And then i cant remember.... But i saw them looking at them w sympathy

Ohh.... How long do i need to feel like im a loser who failed medical school.. its been 3 years tho.. still i cant move on from that black hole pit. the fact that im a loser, a failure

so far this is my worst dream ever

to begin with,,, i dream about a guys who had been in relationship with me for a long time. and we were supposed to continue our relationship to another level. but i didnt knew what happened... someone came, a third wheel ... i guess.... and destroyed everything. so he decided to ditch me. what de heck.... after all this time...

maybe i was dreaming about that because, nowadays, lots of news about 3rd wheeled who destroy other marriage.

so, what i did, i totally fine and just let them be... and i start my new life. and the bad story ends here, as i found another man. and...... as usual....

i woke up.

the end.

hehhehehehehe

f1 kau lagi

Aku taktau kenapa kau selalu muncul... Aku tak teringat tau tak terpikir pon pasal kau.... Tapi kenapa selalu muncul ek. But this time. You talk to me... For a long time...  But still i couldnt talk to you. Omg. What is this feeling.  I felt like im still lower than you

doh... aku taktau la nape kau kerap muncul

Ive never expecting to see or even to dream about you. I just dont know why. I kept on dreaming about u being so nice to me. This week... Ive been dreaming about you twice. 

You keep on being nice to me. You talk to me and i do appreciate it F1.. Even though it is not real you ... Hahahah...  But if one day, we were meant to meet somewhere... 

I hope i am already in a state where i can proudly introduce myself to you. That im no longer the same person from 6 bestari. 

i dont know! i fuckin dont know.

Since pkp...  Ive been dreaming about these 2. Motherfuckers...  I thought that ive already forgotten about them.  This F1...  Have been in my dreams babes...  Since pkp...  Already 4 times...  What the hell man. And the most unforgivable part, when the settings were the same. In school. Ive been in a fuckin nightmares where everything have to be replayed, ive been in a school and facing the facts that im a failure. Ive been reminded that i had failed once. Once! One huge failure. These 2 years...  Almost 3 years...  Ive been haunted to be a failed person. Thats harsh man. Asides from that. 

F1 been in my dreams..  For many times...  I donno why but i never thought about him. But suddenly ive been dreaming a lot about him. Why tho? 

And Ab...  Also..  Kept on existing in my head....  What the hell. 

MR A ahhahaha

To begin with...  I knew alifi from ira...  Obviously.  She knew every person in ukm.  I dont fuckin mind. So we s 1st gear having dance and musical theatre show in dinner opto 2020 on 14 march 2020.

To celebrate them,  my group consists of me,  ira,  ika, yong, carmen, cheng qian, and jia ye. We did practice chinese dance. 

Bla bla bla ba ba ba black sheep. Alifi, at 1st...  I didnt know why the heck...  I felt this uncomfortable and awkward feeling with him. Naaaahh whatever. 

Then our 2nd meeting for rehearsal. We were doing at old kshop there. Presenting our dance and others show. I was dancing like hell.  I was fuckin shy you know...  Id never dreamt to participate in any dance...  But now im glad. I have a such beautiful wonderful amazing memories to be keep. 

So that night...  After we presented dance. Alifi commented haow i should be smiling instead of making angry face and looking at floor. So that time. He knew my name. Wan. 

For 2nd time dance. I was too quickly to sit down. And the center was missed. And jia ye kinda push me a bit with her knee. And others might misunderstood that i fallen pushed by someone. Actually its not hurt...  Whatever... 

Then alifi commented for 2nd time. He thought someone pushed be. He said...  Wan kau ok ke?  Kaki macam mana...  Ada orang tolak wan ke?. 

Actually im not that hurt laaa...  I was laughing like crazy. And others like sympathize me for nothing. 

Im okay bitch. 

Bla bla bla...  I was chosen to be an usher, flower girl or petal girl. Bla bla black pearl. 

I went for next kbd meeting.  Wrapping flower. Then alifi went there...  Otw to his room. Saw me there. And ask... Wanwan kau ok keee... 

. Omggg hell yeahhh

Ahhaha one day...  I was at cafe. Waiting for mee bandung.  Then i was picking my food. I saw alifi came. And suddenly he greeted me. Hai wan fatini...  Aww...  How does he knew my name. 

Then today 12 march. He accompanied beside me...  Practicing to be flower girl. Bla bla bla that...  Even tho zi shan was there too. He kept calling my name. And also,  kept saying zi shan name wrongly. The heckkk...  He is so cute...  He is too precious... But its too early to have him in my crush lists.... 

Stay tuned guysss. 

memang la aku suka tgk kesungguhan dia... tapi

Ye...  To be frank, i did enjoy it. But what if he doesnt like me. What if he doesnt like whatever i did. What if he doesnt like me and got mad. 

Do do you think i can still be like poker face like. Whole class will know how he ditched me or how i got fucking friendzoned bitch!

Yeah...  I did..  Happy but you...  What if above here happened. I have fuckin whole year to be here. And to be ashamed for whole year. 

But if it ever going to be happy ending...  I'll let my fate leads. Im not trying to seduced him or.... Getiks with him... 

I just appreciate his attitude and personality..  And just advices him to be himself. Be good. Be successful... 

I hope he didnt ever misunderstood my intentions. 

Ni notes gift card magenta gerbera yg aku bagi kat Mr I aku tu....

Aku malas nak taip.... So here

Could be my happiest day or worst day.. Ever in my life!

13 Mac 2020....

Aku exco pemasaran projasa yg ditukarkan nama ke kembara bakti desa. 8 Mac, exco pemasaran ada buat servis delivery bunga utk happy international women's day.

So to begin with...  Aku beli magenta gerbera berharga rm4. Yg bernota...  Nnti aku share next time.

Aku bagi kat izmel. Kepada izmel pengarah pmfsk. Dan aku baru ingat yg aku letak no telefon bepi. 

Nasib baik aku letak no telefon bepi.  Sbbnyaaa....

Hari ni dah 4 hari selepas flower  delivery tu...  Td ada meeting dinner opto.  Me as a cute swag usher flower girl or petal girl. Heh. 🌚... Tetiba naqi panggil. Wan sini jap...

Naqi ckp...  KAU NI WAN. KAU LA NI PUNYA PASAL.
aku pun terkejut la pahal mamat ni...
KAU TAU TAK...  IZMEL SETIAP KALI JUMPA AKU...  AKU MESTI CUAK. SBB DIA DH BAPE KALI TANYA, SIAPA YG BAGI. APA NAMA ORG YG BAGI BUNGA TU. NAK NO TEL DIA. NASIB BAIK TAU AKU TAK BAGI.
aku time MasyaAllah...  Kau taktau betapa cuaknya aku...  Siakkk la wei. Aku senyap dulu...  Sbb aku tak aspect yg dia akan reacts cm tu.
TADI AKU GI SURAU...  DIA DAH LALU MELEPASI AKU...  PASTU TETIBA DIA PATAH BALIKK. LAJU JER PERGI KAT AKU...  TANYA SIAPA BAGI BUNGA TU. KAU NI... DAH 3,4 KALI WEI DIA TANYA NOMBOR NGAN NAMA...
aku sumpah time tu mmg aku cuak gilerrr....  Aku takut kantoi. Mana siak nk letak muka.
Pastu pudin tambah. Lepas dia bagi bunga tu...  Izmel ajak pudin lepak cafe sampai 3 pagi.. 
Pastu naqi ngan fahmi mcm nk cakap... Aku paksa diorg jangan sesekali bagi nama n no telefon aku...

Masa meeting... Aku pon citer kat ira...  Wat happen... Tak fokus siak meetings tadi.

Lepas meeting... Aku ikut cahim g cafe...  Diorg order mcd.  Then aku cakap kat naqi...  Yg jangan sesekali bagi ni telefon aku kat izmel.

Pastu dia kata jangan risau wan...  Hahahahah...

Pastu tetiba dia tanya aku...  Wan no telefon sape kau letak kat google docs tu...  Aku kata aku tak ingat...  Baru teringat siakkk aku letak no telefon bepi...  Hahahahahha

Alkisahnya si izmel pagi lepas dpt bunga...  Agaknya tak dapat korek dari pudin... Dia try tanya aida mt bendahari. So...  Aida bagi no telefon tu... 

Dia terus call...  Bepi angkat...  Diorg laaa kata...  Sbb izmel terkejut apasal laki yg angkat... Tp dia pelik sbb yg call tu bukan budak ukm. Duduk johor plak tu....  Hahahahahhaha Ya Allah.!!!!!!

Tu yg dia dok tanya naqi.... Sape yg bagi... 

Naqi kata dia mcm sumpah nak tau sangat2 sape yg bagi.

YA AKU TAU...  AKU SERBA SALAH...  IN CASE IF ONE DAY...  DIA DAPAT TAU...  AND DIA CAM FRUST KECEWA...  THE ONE YG BAGI BUNGA BUKAN MACAM YG DIA HARAPKAN. I MEANS...  MUNGKIN DIA INGAT YG BAGI TU... MESTI BUDAK CANTIK... GOJES...  SLIM SHADY EMINEM. TGK2 DIA DAPAT TAU AKU YG BAGI. SIAPA LA AKU... 

KEDUA...  KALAU DIA TAK SUKA.  IF LAAAAA....  TETIBA DIA MCM..  MARAH.  KALAU DIA KATA AKU...  KAU NI BUDAK LAGI KAN...  TAK MALU KE...  BAGI KAT LAKI..  GATAI SANGAT KE...

ASTAGHFIRULLAHALAZIM...  JAUHKAN LAAAA....

DAH LA SEKALI AKU KENA BAGI HARAPAN PALSU DARI YAD DULU...  SAKIT SIALLLLL

So this is a perfect opening post about him. Mr. I

29 feb.  Id never thought that im gonna have a lovely happy wonderful memories.

I was one of the exco jamuan for semarak komuniti. Which a program for community service. A day before that....

We're having last meeting. I was there obviously. Then ira said...  He was there. But its too late..  He'd already at blok a. And we're having meeting at pkp.

Then a few minutes later... He came back with another women. I waa furious ok. I was jealous. I was mad.  Yup.

I was trying to ignore him. I was mad at him. Furious and kinda frust.  30% frustrated. 

So throughout the meeting and rehearsal. I tried. I tried to ignore him. But i cant. I just try to ignore him. With mindset... I dont have fate with him.

Sothe event. Once i was there. I was at outside the hall.. Waiting for food. But then i saw ira running towards me. Saying he was here. I was like.. Trying to not look so obvious. So i make it cool.

I ignored again. And again. And while waiting. I saw ira sweeping. I helped her. And he watchin. I yried not to look. I sweeping around other side.

Suddenly ive heard someone.. Taking broom swept infront of me. I didnt looked up. Cuz i knew who is that. He was sweeping infront of me.

I quickly ran...  Tried the other side. Then,  my food arrived. We take care of it. And lets other eat first.

I tied the plastics at the gate for rubbish, meals preps.... And i went to registration. He was there at gate. Looking. Damn. I tried to ignore again..  Then, suddenly, when i was talking to registration prep. Suddenly he stand next two from me. Even though he didnt have right to do so. I means... Its not his job. Hahahahhahahahah

Then. When i was trying to take blood glucose and blood pressure....  I saw him doing the body fit test. Hahahah

After all that perasmian. I cant stop looking at him. I cant. After all other community went home. Theres a lot of extra food. I scrwamed. For those who wanna take it. He suddenly appeared in front of me. Damn damn.

Then when for pictures times. They asked us to arrange back the chairs. I helped. But then he suddenly stand up next to me. Helping. Really close. Damn it. Damn it.!! How could i still alive.

Then...  I saw he takes all the plastics that i hanged. And threw it. Oh gosh.  He ia the president. Repeat. President of student fsk. President of pmfsk. And he did such thing. He sweep, mop, threw gaebage. Oh goshhhhhhhhhhhh....

How can i forget about you tho....  U are such an angel tho. I fell in love with his personality. Totally in love. Again.

And i felt uncomfortable plus scared at the first time.

2nd march. I just finished being a patient for 4th year. And we decided to eat at food truck. But unfortunately. Its not ready yet. Tgen we walked infront pkp. I saw 2nd yr biomed. Include imam. He is there. So handsome. I was like.. Peepong at him.. But he also looked toward us. Suddenly i felt this uncomfortable feeling. Suddenly i felt nervous. I was shaking.. I grasped my own hand. Why tho. I did.. 'bertentang mata'ngan dia but.... 

Thats the 1st time bertentang mata..  But u know...  With intensely looking

What is this feeling. I'd never felt this before...